(OMED: What happens when a shanty Irishman meets the architectural neo-sage of the East?  Read on and discover that what Vikings themselves created, no mere Asian philosophy can put asunder. That is Mr. O'Brien in the photo, though it was taken during his days in Hollywood.  At present, he resembles a stone gargoyle used on the parapets of old hotels to ward off evil spirits.)

   In recent times, it's beenmuch ado about Feng Shui this and Feng Shui that. For a sportswriter fromthe Oscar Madison school of Harmonious Pile Building, I've turned a somewhathopeless and deaf ear to the sensation of minimalism. I've got too muchstuff.

   A recent journey to the lovelyChineseGardens in Portland, a glowing example of Feng Shui, which includesa gift shop selling the little red book (probably little so it can be hiddenin a drawer - keeping the environment empty) which explains the phenomena,was an interesting and peaceful stroll, but after sitting in the harmonious"gathering room," the Chinese minimalist equal of our living rooms, I realizedhow culturally devoid I was. 
   I would sooner eat barbedwire than spend more than 20 minutes in the "gathering room," should ithave been mine. There were two concrete floor benches about 10 feet apart,facing each other, a rug in the middle, and lovely carved wood along theceiling, with dragons and such carved out of red mahogany. That's all,folks.

   No tables, no lamps, no TV,no stereo, no newspapers, no pictures on the wall, no plants, no dog toysin a basket, no pile of laundry waiting to be sorted, no wood stove (actually,no heat of any sort was evident). Two cement floor benches and a rug. Notwishing to be untoward, this room would be better named "pre-divorce room,"imagining the oppressive time one would pass in it, staring at one's mateacross the room on a concrete bench. Somewhat of a dreary existence inthese times one would think. But again, an Ethiciun Feng Shui master wouldprobably label me as either "Exhibit A," or "Little Satan." 

   Speaking of Ethiciun FengShui masters, according to an e-mail I received from Ethicius 1, thereis only one qualified master. He is available for consultation and allyour fees (which are considerable) are donations to the Wilderness CathedralMission of the Universal Ethiciun Church.  Ethicius 1, (a.k.a GeorgeRussell), will visit your place, if it is appraised at over one milliondollars (lesser domiciles need not apply), and for a mere $10,000, (basedon a 10-hour overview, including travel time) read the spirit of your houseand the soul of you, the owner. Thus determining a compatibility factor.
   George, (a.k.a Ethicius 1)will also assess the surroundings and the relationships between trees,shrubs, grasses, vines, forbs, fungi and other native plants and theirdependent birds, insects, mammals and other native creatures. 

   Now, and this doesn't surpriseme because of some of the dumps I've inhabited - the architecture of yourbuilding may contribute to its own mental health. If your house or outbuildingis despondent, call George.  The good master issues a disclaimer withthe service, citing that Ethiciun Feng Shui is "all inclusive and not basedon formulae written in stone." But George claims to have a pretty goodtrack record of finding disharmony.

   Some of the syndromes Ethicius1 cites regarding unhealthy essences within buildings are: 1) Toxic aestheticviews from windows; 2) House in a hole syndrome; 3) House as a tumor onthe landscape; 4) (My favorite) White trash with too much money syndrome,and, 5) the all encompassing "Hubris with ignorance syndrome."

   Finally, George/Ethicius 1,says, "Obviously, one cannot defend in court an Ethiciun Soul Reading,thus the client must be totally comfortable with the fact Ethicius 1 isabsolved from any and all liability associated with a Feng Shui assessmentof your property." And, being the harmonious dude that he is, Ethicius1 will pay a $1,000 referral or finders fee to each person providing aclient to his service. Information is available at Info@cyberclone.com.,which lends even more credibility to the good master's endeavors.

   Having recently asked a friendabout Feng Shui and been told quite brusquely, "You're a pig, forget it,"I was delighted to find this information sent to our newspaper. The firststep appears to be getting a $1 million dollar home. That sets the tablefor doing business with Ethicius 1 (a.k.a George} and launches one on theroad to spiritual and architectural harmony.
   My current belief system,for which I have allowed myself the moniker "Packratcia 7," came to mefrom my days at another newspaper, The Oregonian, where the sportswritershave enclosed themselves in self-constructed cubicles, made of 5-foot pilesof newspapers, press books, statistic sheets and old pizza boxes. 

   The overall Feng Shui bringsto mind piles of shingles, at a not-yet-begun roofing job at a warehousesite. 
   My guess is that if I calledEthicius 1 to drop by my place and do a reading, his ticker would explodeupon entry. The sight of a garden rake leaning against a tasteful paintingof dogs playing poker would cause a systematic overload on poor Ethicius1. The utter disharmony would be more than the good master could bear.
   So, although unable to qualifyfinancially, for the holistic environmental harmony reading which Georgesuggests, and knowing there are others like me out there who could usea little environmental mental health (never can have too much of that,can we?), might I recommend an Oscar Madison reading, provided by thisreporter and his associates?

    Fifty bucks- one timefee. Operators on duty now.

Michael O'Brien is an Oregon Magazine Contributing Editor.  
©2003 Michael O'Brien  Feng Shui Institutegraphic is a hot link to their website.